carol ott online: life and work in pigtown

…to questions I get about my neighborhood, usually from new people or strangers passing through.

1. Do you know of any cheap Ravens/Orioles parking? Can I park here for the game? (Usually shouted from a car window as I’m walking down the street or sitting on my stoop.)

Yes, you can park at St. Jerome’s Church for…I believe $10. They are located at Scott & Hamburg Streets. No, you cannot park in my neighborhood or your car will be towed away. I did not make this rule, the Baltimore Parking Authority did. I like the rule, because it keeps cheap asses people like you from taking up all the parking in my neighborhood — parking we pay for, as residents. No amount of swearing at me will get the rule changed, and it will not do you any good to threaten me with bodily harm, should your car “disappear” during the game. See the signs that say “No Parking During Stadium Events”? They apply to you, too, jerkoff.

2. When is the crime/trash/drug dealing/etc going to go away?

I’m afraid I left my crystal ball in the other room, but my guess would be….never. Any large city has some or all of the above-mentioned problems, and guess what — they don’t just magically “go away”. And they certainly don’t go away simply because you, Sally Suburbia, have decided to move to my neighborhood. Please don’t gripe to me about it — I’m not the one who thought I was moving into Perfectville. It’s Baltimore. Deal.

3. Doesn’t it bother you that people call your neighborhood “Pigtown”?

Absolutely not. What bothers me is when people call my neighborhood “Washington Village”. Its name is Pigtown. Not Washington Village. Please stop referring to it as such, and you’ll be fine. Keep it up and you’ll find yourself strangely alienated from most of the other neighbors, and gee won’t that be a shame come community party time.

4. Will you hang this sign/flyer in your window/on your wall? (This is a question I get at the cafe a lot, not so much at home.)

No. I made one exception for a candidate I know well, like a lot, and respect.  I do not arbitrarily support candidates, and if you’re not someone I can recommend with confidence, you’re not taking up wall space or window space. I was shocked at the rudeness of some of the city council candidates, and it reinforces my feeling that I don’t need to be loosey-goosey with the window signs, you know?

5. When do you think the neighborhood will start to turn around?

See #2 above and STFU. I liked this neighborhood just fine when I moved here in 2000, and I still like it now 99.9% of the time. I’m not sitting around waiting for it to “turn around”, I have a business to run and a son to raise, and something of a social life I’d like to attend to. 

6.  Where’s the best place for a cheesesteak?

I swear to God someone asked me this on Tuesday.  The best I’ve had in the neighborhood came from a bar at the corner of Hamburg & Ostend.  I’m not telling you anything else unless I think you’ll be nice to the owners and not turn your nose up at the other patrons.  It’s my oasis, don’t fark it up.  But damn — they really do have the best cheesesteak in the world.  Note to other bar owners in the city - you could learn a thing or two from these folks about making a cheesesteak…it blows away all others.

7.  When is recycling day?

Hell if I know.  If you go to DPW’s website, I think there’s a schedule.  Good luck figuring out which zone we’re in and what you’re supposed to put out on which day, and in what kind of receptacle.  For crying out loud, Baltimore needs to give every household a recycling bin like they do in just about every other municipality across the country.  And pick a day when all of the recycling can be put outside — like “every Tuesday”.  The current schedule is something like “Paper goes out on every third Wednesday except when Sheila Dixon forgets to put on lipstick, and then it reverts to every second Wednesday, but that’s for cans, and then if the Ravens win, it’s every third Monday, but that’s plastic only, and by the way it all goes in the landfill.”

9.  How’s business?

This is usually asked by people who have never once set foot in my cafe.  I will refrain from answering this here, but if you know me, you can make a wild guess as to what I’d like to say.  The standard response, however, is a stern “Fine”.

10.  Why do you stay in Pigtown?

I like the randomness of the neighborhood.  At any given moment, you can walk into my cafe or walk down Washington Boulevard and have a conversation with a hobo, a cop, a drug dealer, a famous film producer, an artist, a writer, a mom, a construction worker, and a business owner…all at the same time, and nobody gives a damn about anything other than that moment in time.  It’s sheer bliss, I tell you.  Some days I just can’t believe how lucky I am to live here.